If I would’ve known the last time, I saw you and the kiss you gave me might be our last, I never would’ve allowed those elevator doors to close. My mind has played you walking down the hall and your stop to turn and take one last glance a million times over. How did we get here? What happened? What went wrong? Or has nothing gone wrong, and it’s all falling into place? That’s a question we can’t answer. What’s meant to be will be.
I believe it all happened the way it did because it was meant to and there is a reason somewhere (although buried deep). But doesn’t mean I don’t wish it could’ve played out another way. I had it all so perfectly planned in my mind. I saw it all so differently. You were everything to me and I couldn’t wait to surprise you. An afternoon just the two of us – being together – which hardly happened frequently enough. But instead, my energy surged, your walls erected and here we are.
So much time has passed, but still feels like yesterday. It was an afternoon I’d love to forget or better yet erase completely, but that’s not possible. Instead, it’s now a part of our story. A story I hope never has an ending. It can’t end that way. As the days turned into weeks, the weeks into months, and months now add up to over a year, it’s taken me every second of that time, but I’ve finally come to peace with how things are. They are this way because they are. Simple as that. And I have finally accepted it. Doesn’t mean I like it, just means it is what it is. It is not something within my control. Letting go and accepting is hard but the alternative is way worse. When/if things are meant to be different, then they will be. We are up to the forces that be.
The words, the time, the distance, none of it matters. There’s no more anger. The tears have dried. There’s no more should’ve, would’ve or could’ve. I have forgiven myself. I have forgiven you. All has been forgiven. If you wonder if I miss you, the answer is yes. When your mind wonders to the memories, know mine is there too. Please don’t think the desire has disappeared because it’s still as strong.
The Universe knew my life needed a change and brought you. Although the timing seemed it couldn’t be more wrong, it is now all so clear what was happening and it’s amazing to me how incredibly grateful I now am for the timing of when it all occurred. You were my catalyst for change. You were what I was searching for my entire life and never knew I was looking for. And you were right on time. It was divine timing (it always is).
I knew from the start you were special, and I never took it for granted. Every moment we shared is engraved in me. I felt it was something – deep in my soul I knew, but it’s taken me years to actually know. And I never said it because words never mattered. I knew you could feel my feelings so speaking them felt cheap. There’s a reason I can’t escape you, a reason you’d never understand, and I promise to never try to explain.
There’s no question for me, it was love. What else could ever explain a pull so strong? A sense of knowing so definite. A connection so real. Was it all a dream? Will I ever awake from this nightmare? Will I forever live with our memories; memories of what seems to be a ghost story? A story without a script and without an ending.
I don’t know if the Universe will ever place us together again for all of this to be said in person (that is not for us to decide). But I’d give anything for another look, another kiss, and another touch. I can’t escape you because I don’t want to. But until that day comes, know we will always be close. You are a part of me. You’re always only as far away as my next thought. In the rare chance you somehow come across this post, I hope you immediately know it’s you – it’s always been you – it will always be you!
In my mind those elevator doors are still open and my arms wide ensuring they never close.
Until next time my “___ friend”…