A Letter for My Girl

Dear Charlie,

We had 16.5 amazing years together! And I am incredibly grateful for each day that made up each one of those years, but I am selfish, and I wanted more. This wasn’t supposed to happen. You were supposed to live forever. I never thought about how it would feel when you were gone because I never wanted to focus on something I never wished to become my reality. But the day came, and I knew it was your last. I didn’t know how to say goodbye for it was never something I rehearsed. It was never apart of the plan. You were supposed to be here always living life by my side.

But here I am flooded with memories and overwhelmed with emotion. I’m lost and lonely. My heart hurts without you here. It’s been torn into pieces. I’m in anguish. This must be grief. For it’s a feeling unlike anything I have ever felt.

Home was our happy place and now I can’t stand to be here without you. I take walks with no destination, I run useless errands, I sit at the coffee shop for hours drinking cup after cup, I don’t buy groceries so I can justify eating my meals away from home. For it no longer feels like a home. It’s a place I sleep and work from. It’s not a home because you are no longer here. Nothing about it is the same.

I am left with the scent on your blanket, some fur on the rug, water still in your bowl and a basket full of partly torn toys. I know nothing can bring you back, but that doesn’t change how I wish I could. I would do anything to have you here. We were a team! And I’m not sure I can do this without you. I honestly don’t know how.

I would give anything for one more wet kiss or to see those big, beautiful, brown eyes give me another wink. Those eyes got you everything you wanted, and you sure knew how to use them. At times I’d catch you staring at me, and I swear you were reading my mind. We were so connected and shared the most genuine bond. You were my girl! Sunspots were our thing and since you’ve been gone, the sun has shined a little brighter. And I know it is you. You’re up there ensuring I get the brightest rays. I now look at the sky in admiration of its beauty and vastness because I know it has your sweet soul.

You taught me so much about life and love. You lived each day to its fullest. Watching you outside, sniffing your surroundings and living in the moment taught me to strive to do the same. To not sweat the small things and “stop and smell the roses” more. You played until your legs grew stiff and wouldn’t allow for another toss. Your toys were your world. And I always made sure you had plenty to choose from. And as you began to age, it took patience to care for you, but it was a privilege to be the one there to provide you with the care you needed. Afterall you were always there for me, and I was just getting the opportunity to return the favor. And most of all, you gave me unconditional love; the greatest gift I have ever received. You were my best friend, my child, my sister, my teacher, and my guardian angel all wrapped up into one.

All you ever wanted was for me to be close by and within your sight. You didn’t care what we did, how I looked, where we lived, or what we rode in. As long as you were my passenger, you were high on life. You loved our life together and so did I. Oh, how I did! You were my world and always my top priority. You always had a smile on your face and greeted everyone with a wagging tail. And it’s in those memories that I am able to find some peace knowing that you did know how much you were loved.

You have always been my girl, by my side and on my side. You gave me more than words could ever express. You gave me purpose. I wore the identity of “Charlie’s Mom” like a badge of honor. Oh’ how proud I was that you were mine! I was the blessed one. Thank you for choosing me to be your Mom.

I told you it was okay to go. I told you, I would be okay. And I am trying. But it’s going to take time. Please Baby Girl, give me grace while I grieve for you. I am trying to do this without you. But I am going to make mistakes and it’s likely going to be messy at times. But one day I will live as the human you thought I was! And it will be for you. I pledge to carry a piece of you into each of my days. You will always be alive in my heart, mind and soul.

I will see you again one day but until that day comes, I still need you. I need you watching and guiding me. I need your love and support throughout all my days. I can’t do this without you.

Goodbye My Charlie Girl ♡
All My Love Always!

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