Time & Space

Time – the indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole.

Space – a continuous area or expanse which is free, available, or unoccupied.

Respect – due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights, or traditions of others.

Take it easy on me. I’m trying. I’ve cried so many tears over this. Way more than I will ever admit. The decision was so difficult to make, but it was time. I couldn’t pretend it’s ok anymore. We’ve done this for far too long. And after all this time, I still do not even know what “this” is or was. I have no regrets and will forever treasure you and what we shared. We were beautiful for a long time and nothing or no one can ever steal those memories from us. But time isn’t kind and things needed to change. I realized you were never going to be the one to do it. I had to be the one. I had to take a step back. I had to ask for time and space. Not because I wanted to, but because I needed to.

It’s not fair. And I’m the one that’s losing. You get it all. I know you don’t see it that way, but it’s true. I didn’t expect you to understand. I knew this would be unexpected and appear as if it came out of the nowhere. But to me, it wasn’t. I’ve been struggling for a while. Unnoticed to many and especially to you. It wasn’t easy to express my true feelings; to let you know my heart was hurting and you were the one causing the pain. I didn’t want to appear needy, selfish, unhappy, or ungrateful. I knew nothing I said or did would change the situation, so silence was the only option I felt I had. Until I couldn’t hold it in any longer. The situation finally broke me. I needed to speak my truth.

Deep down, I’ve always known it was wrong, but convinced myself that was your decision to make. And after so much time has passed, I realized, I too get a say. I get to decide what I want in my life. I need to put myself, my needs, and my happiness first. I need to seek what is seeking me. And I need my eyes to be clear and my heart open. And I’ve realized none of this can happen with you being my brightest light; the one I run to; the one I’m choosing; the one I love. I need to break the cycle. I need to find another way. I need to learn to approach us differently.

This doesn’t mean I don’t love you, will forget you, or don’t still have a strong desire for more. Taking this time and space means I’m learning to love myself. I’m learning to put my needs first. I know I need, want and deserve more. More of which you can’t give me. Not because you don’t want to, but simply because you can’t. Life keeps telling us not right now. And when those moments come, I often still get upset, frustrated or angry. But it’s ok. It’s a process that will take time and space. And I’ve finally accepted it. We aren’t meant to be any more than what we are.

Nothing about this is easy but when I wake each morning and can feel my heart hurting, I knew it was time. Things need to be different. I need to take this time and space. Things need to be this way for me to move my life in a positive direction. I’ve never asked you for anything, but I am asking you for this. I’ve always held a deep admiration for you and your choices and now it’s time for you to do the same. Please respect my decision.

I can’t predict the future any more than anyone else can. So, this time and space I am asking for may last a day, a month, years, or forever. Don’t make me give you a timeline because I can’t. There is no timeline when it comes to healing a broken heart.

Doesn’t mean I don’t love you. No love has been lost. I know it will always be there, but the kind of love needs to change. I now need you to love me from afar. For now, I don’t need it to be spoken or shown. I know how you feel, and you know my true feelings and desires. It’s just that this isn’t our time. It never was our time. And timing is everything.

You never tell me goodbye when we part ways and it has always bothered me, but now I understand. We aren’t meant to end; we will always be. Goodbye isn’t our ending – it’s until next time. And next time likely means next lifetime for us. This isn’t goodbye…

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