Not A Mother

It used to burn
Every insult, every word
But it helped me learn
Self-worth I had to earn
So I tried every night
To sit with sorrow
And eventually it set me free
                              – Love Me More, Sam Smith
                               Sam Smith – Love Me More (Official Video) – YouTube

You tried to box me in – to make me fit your mold. Trapped in a home I didn’t belong. Living a life far from all I desired. Feeling apart from it all. Not what you wanted and knowing I could never be. Feeling like I wanted to be somewhere else; anywhere else and wanting to be someone else; anyone else. Hating the mirror and wishing for a different reflection. Not loving who I was because you didn’t love me.

Credit was never given for all I accomplished. Made to feel I could’ve and should’ve done more or been better. Nothing important to me ever mattered to you. I used to wonder why you couldn’t love me as I am. Why did I have to be different to have a relationship with you? Why couldn’t you see what makes me the happiest was not the same as what made you happy? Why was it not ok to accept and celebrate we were different with different likes/dislikes?

My self-worth completely depleted. My self-love nonexistent. Sit up straight – Walk taller – Don’t slouch – as you would press your fingers into the small of my back. And all this did was make me slouch deeper. You made me feel small. You shamed me because I was different, wanted a different life and had other interests. Shame on you…

All your criticisms, insults, and judgements used to sting. But then I learned to use them as fuel. I learned self-worth had to be self-taught. And it’s a lesson well learned. It has taken time but sitting with it, I realized, I love me – just as I am. And that’s enough. I didn’t need you to love me.

When I hit the ground, you weren’t there. But I didn’t break. And probably because it was no shock you weren’t there. And because I didn’t break, there was nothing to put back together. Instead, I grew. That was my chance – the ground was solid for the first time.  

You thought the hatred actions would bring me near but instead they set me free. When I allowed the curtain to fall, the reflection started to change. I no longer feared the mirror because to me, the reflection is beautiful just as it is. Waking up each morning and learning to love the reflection for all it is set me free. Forgetting the past and creating a new set me free. Loving me set me free!

I came through you, but I don’t need you. Our ties are severed. I came to thrive! I came to prosper! I came to rise! Your purpose was served. That’s where I got life. But that’s the end. You were not a mother.

Comments are closed.

Create a website or blog at WordPress.com

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: