Me Letting You Go

I think it’s time I let you go. And that’s so hard to do because a part of me will be in love with you for the rest of my life. But the daydreaming, the running in place, it’s not healthy, I can’t do that anymore.
~ Unknown

I text you because I like you. I text you because I want a reply. I text you because I want you to know I am thinking of you. I answer your calls because I like you. I answer your calls because I want to talk to you. I answer your calls because I want you know I am always happy to hear from you.

Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you – a memory of us flashes through my mind, I see something that reminds me of us, I hear your voice echoing through my thoughts, or I see you in my dreams. You penetrate my heart, my mind, and my body.

I always go back to the start. A time when we so unexpectedly found one another. I didn’t know it then, but I was finding someone who would change my life. Never did I picture from the first day, all the memories we’d create, the moments we’d share, the places we’d go, how the story would unfold, or the love that would grow. Such a good life surprise you were! Possibly the best I’ve ever received!

You’re the only one that can walk boldly into the kitchen of the busiest restaurant thinking you just scored us a table. You’re the only one I want in the car with me as we hitch a ride after being stranded without a driver. You’re the only one I can text from the other room saying hurry up in there. You’re the only one that will pick me up off the floor from the most embarrassing fall of my life. But for the record, I didn’t fall for you. You fuckin’ tripped me!

But it all comes down to timing and ours is all wrong. I tell myself if it were right, you would choose differently. I let my mind wonder to a place and time where our worlds could merge. I think about leaving it all behind and following you into the unknown. I dream of a future shared. We allowed an incredibly close bond to mature, but it always come back to our timing and how wrong it’s been. But maybe, just maybe, our timing wasn’t wrong, maybe it was all meant to unfold just as it did. Maybe it was meant to be a lesson in love and life for the both of us.

It happened too fast and so unexpectedly. Forced to walk away before I was ready. Even though I knew it was time and things weren’t all I desired them to be, I still wanted to stay. I wanted to linger in your laugh, hear another story, feel the warmth of your hands gripped tight on my thigh, sip one more drink, feel one more gentle kiss from the pillows of your lips, and share another night. I wanted you to like me too. I wanted you to feel the way I felt. I wanted you to love me just as I love you. I wanted to let it be beautiful. But you couldn’t!

Meeting you was one of the greatest blessings of my life. A blessing I wasn’t ready for, but I accepted it. And it completely changed my life! But I am faced again with accepting something I am not ready for. I must move on – you’ve given me no other option. I’m going blindly into a future I’m not ready for. I’ve learned that I can’t be afraid of losing you because losing myself in hopes of keeping you is much worse.

Sometimes life throws us circumstances as a wakeup call, a chance to learn, a chance to transcend, a chance to see ourselves as others see us, a chance to love ourselves. You were my wakeup call. I see myself in a different light because I let you in – I allowed you to see me. Because you loved me!

You were willing to risk it all the minute I walked in the room and now the roles have reversed. I’m the one willing to risk it all. This is me letting you go, Deputy.

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